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When did you realize you were really in labor?
I had been having prodromal contractions on and off for two weeks so it was hard to believe I was actually in labor but when the contractions started getting longer stronger and closer together I knew we were on our way.
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What was the most challenging thing about going natural?
My labor lasted 42 hours. I went drug free for the first 8 hours until the nonstop contractions wore me out and I needed rest. There weren't really any breaks in between them so I was given fentanyl to try to space them out. After another 6 hours fentanyl no longer worked and I was feeling more intense pain and pressure, so I tried nitrous oxide. My contraction pattern didn't seem to change much and after 12 more hours dilation had not changed - I was still at 5 cm. I asked for an epidural out of sheer exhaustion and desperation. Thank god that I did because with 5 hours of rest I was fully dilated and I was ready to push.
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What was the most helpful thing you did to prepare for childbirth?
The most helpful thing for me was having my support team at my side the entire time - I was never alone. Without my husband, doula, sister and best friend I wouldn't have made it. They naturally took turns to relieve each other as the unwavering intensity of labor dragged on for two days.
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What surprised you about your birth?
How strong I was. How I could keep going after days of intense work and frustrating choices.
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Know that you can try absolutely everything and it's still not enough. But that's okay and it's not your fault. Sometimes circumstances outweigh your desires.
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What pain relief strategies worked best?
Rhythm and ritual and relaxation. Breathing, low moans, moving/releasing down into the pressure. My doula had a few "take charge" moments with me. She was essential to my sanity. But ultimately what got me to pushing was full relaxation with the epidural.
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What position did you end up delivering in?
Even with an epidural, I pushed in many positions to try to shift her because the doctor knew baby was malpositioned. But she was absolutely stuck at zero station after 5 hours of what looked like great pushing. So we had no other option but cesarean.
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How did it feel to hold your baby for the first time?
I actually don't remember much in the OR. They brought her out to my chest and I remember feeling unsafe. I didn't have the strength to hold her but someone held her to me as I gazed into her eyes. That was pretty amazing.
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What advice can you give to other mamas who want to go natural?
Know that you will work really hard but require moments of rest and relaxation in order to fully open. Sometimes the body is working so hard that it needs help to get to that place of relaxation. I needed the epidural, there's no question.
Know that you can try absolutely everything and it's still not enough. But that's okay and it's not your fault. Sometimes circumstances outweigh your desires.
Know that things don't always go the way you want in birth and it's okay to be angry or disappointed. And just because you have a beautiful healthy baby after your struggle doesn't mean those two things are mutually exclusive. You can have a beautiful baby and also have a disappointing birth.
