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When did you realize you were really in labor?
Around 11:00 on a Wednesday, I noticed very slight tightening in my abdomen. Nothing painful at all, just noticeable. My husband and I decided to time them, and sure enough, they were reliably about fifteen minutes apart. I distracted myself by doing laundry, cleaning up and even driving over to my mom's!
Active labor didn't begin until later that night. I sat in our walk-in closet alone, breathing through contractions. It was then I learned how spiritual labor can be. The pain was intensifying, yes, but I was in charge of my body. I'll always look back on those hours of solo labor with fondness. It was incredibly empowering.
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What was the most challenging thing about going natural?
Surrendering to a cesarean section at the end. My son was born at 1:36, Thursday, May 29. My labor had begun before noon on Wednesday. So, it was sad to know my labor truly had "failed to progress," after so many hours of work. I've taken solace in knowing that I really HAD run out of options. After laboring at home for over 32 hours, Noah and I were both running fevers. Noah had passed meconium in the womb. His heart tracings were becoming erratic. The situation had become dangerous, and I knew in my gut it was time to "let go and let God."
Incidentally, I feel NOT being granted my ideal birth brought me closer to my sweet Noah. I was very worried about bonding afterward, but there was immediate love. Truthfully, I felt like my son and I had been in the trenches together.
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Baby-Noah
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What was the most helpful thing you did to prepare for childbirth?
I devoured the Bradley Method book and watched many, many, MANY home births on YouTube prior to delivering. It all helped, but labor is so personal to each woman that there is not a one size fits all technique! While I planned to go "slack" during my contractions, I felt it wasn't a natural method for me. I focused on the breathing. It was all about the breathing! I needed something to focus on, and that was it! Also, visualization was key. All day, I pictured the St. Louis Arch. The contraction would go up, up, up, up to a peak, then slowly let me down, down, down, down. The rests between contractions were much more enjoyable then, too!
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What surprised you about your birth?
How positive I feel about the experience. I expected to look back on my birth with negativity, but I don't. I was wrapped in such warmth in the hours, days, and weeks following Noah's arrival. Birth is so beautiful, no matter how it occurs.
Also, it surprised me how fearless I felt through ALL of it. Even when I knew we had to transfer to the hospital, I wasn't afraid. The mind goes to a very primitive place during labor. I was always just in the mindset of, "Okay, this is just the next step. One step closer to meeting my baby."
Even though I spent months re-learning the concept of pain, I still expected to be afraid as it was happening. And it just didn't. I was too focused to let fear in.
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Your body will birth this baby, or it won't. I know it sounds silly, but those are the only options!
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What pain relief strategies worked best?
Swaying back and forth as I focused on something visually and mentally. We lived by a forest at the time, and I stared at the same pin oak every time a contraction happened. Holding my husband and midwife's hand helped, too. Acknowledging each contraction, riding that wave, then letting it go.
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What position did you end up delivering in?
Total c-section position, baby! Flat on the back.
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How did it feel to hold your baby for the first time?
Wow. My God. How does one even describe that feeling? I think Nadine Goodman, the public health specialist in The Business of Being Born, said it best: "It's like you flip on a light switch and go to the moon. It's an otherworldly experience. Nothing compares to the privilege of giving life, and the responsibility of it."
When I held my son, I think I was truly present for the first time in my life. There isn't room for anything else. I absolutely basked in that wonder. I'm crying as I type this, remembering that moment. "Other worldly" is the perfect description. It's heaven.
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What advice can you give to other mamas who want to go natural?
Your body will birth this baby, or it won't. I know it sounds silly, but those are the only options! If I hadn't required intervention, I would have pushed my son out in the squatting position on my bedroom floor. But I did need help, and that's okay. Labor is temporary. Your precious child is forever. Cherish their birth for what it is.
